Another year older, not sure if I’m wiser. I’ve recently celebrated another year and I feel like it’s a significant and humbling year. I’ve avoided having to reflect on it for days as I’ve been just wanting to be in the moment of having celebrated another year healthy and in company of those I love. If I’m being honest though, it isn’t all sweet-smelling roses and candied hearts; there’s also been a lot of contemplation on the year that has passed as well. In my 20s, I never much looked back at the year that has gone by from one birthday to the next but as I’ve entered my 30s, contemplation has been a good part of celebrating my birthdays. I find that it helps me to understand my journey in life, to learn the lessons that had to be learnt; reap the rewards of the things that have gone my way, and to cast away the mistakes that I tend to dwell in and just learn from them.
This year, the theme seems to be about me; learning about myself and trying to figure out the meaning of happiness, and what that is to me. I’ve been forced to come face to face with who I am now and who I want to be going forward. Certain life changes have forced me to re-evaluate what I once thought were priorities and what I took for granted. Taking stock of my life has yielded me with some self-realizations, some of which I may keep to myself, but others I’m willing to share.
I am my own source of happiness
I am realizing that happiness isn’t going to come from someone or something, that it comes from me. I know that it’s an obvious one, but it’s easier said than done. I subconsciously look for happiness in others (like my spouse or dogs) or in things (shopping) as they are the easiest places to seek happiness in and easier still to blame when I can’t find it in them. I read or heard somewhere once that you can’t look for happiness In someone else because they aren’t responsible for your happiness, you are responsible for your own happiness and that having someone just adds to that and someone to share that happiness with. I often try to make sure that everyone around me is happy and often find myself not taking the time to figure out what makes me happy.
It is now or never
I have always been afraid to take a risk; I allow myself to be paralyzed by the ‘what ifs’. When I was younger, I had all these dreams and ambitions (duh, pisces) and the fear of failure has always stood in my way. I grew up being taught that the safe way is the good way, and that you shouldn’t risk it for something that may fail. While it was a good lesson, it wasn’t for me. I have learnt later in life that I must take a risk in order to be happy, and that failure may become a part of it, but that failure isn’t a bad thing. I am learning that failure is part of success, a road to it. I am still fearful now and then but have been taking risks in search of my happiness.
Having good support is life
I have found recently that having good people and those I love like my husband, to have my back then I can try to work as hard as I can to make it. Knowing that I have the support of people I love and that they have faith in me, I know I can make it and find happiness in my own terms. It has also shown me that I have all that I need in life and that I have so much to be grateful for.
All in all, though it’s been a quiet birthday, it’s been a good one. It’s put me in a better place than I have been in, in years. I feel like over the last couple of years I’ve lost my way a bit, and this has shifted me back to be on my way again. I think that’s the best part of my birthday, being able to look back and reflect as well as plan how I want the rest of the year to be.